Couples Therapy

Learning new communication skills in Couples Therapy can help your relationship, but they are not effective when couples start to argue or feel hurt by their partner. Why? Because our brains code these situations as dangerous – we are wired to connect with our loved ones and when this isn’t happening, all human beings go into primal panic. Fight, Freeze or flight kicks in and all the blood flows from our pre-frontal cortex (where all executive functions of the brain exist) and we go into survival mode.

Half of all human beings go into fight mode – moving towards resolution of the problem, trying to get things back in order, pursuing the issues that are causing the disconnect.  And half of all human beings freeze or instinctively shut down, go inward, withdrawing from the drama. You'll learn in Couples Therapy that 80% of all couples have one person that goes into fight (the pursuer) and one person that shuts down, going into freeze or flight (the withdrawer). This dynamic of pursue/withdraw creates the most successful, long-term relationships. That’s because when both people are pursuers, they have short, loud relationships. When both people are withdrawers, they avoid tough conversations and slowly drift apart. The first thing we must identify in Couples Therapy, is how to avoid the triggers that send us into these unhealthy patterns. This is Phase One of Couples Therapy.

In Phase Two of Couples Therapy, now that we have identified the negative cycle in your relationship and learned how not to trigger it, is learn how to create positive, healthy cycles of communication. Asking for what we need and want in the relationship in a way that promotes listening, empathy, and switches on the care-taking nature of our partner. In Couples Therapy, you will receive templates for these healthy communication styles and use them to learn an even deeper emotional engagement, accessibility, and responsiveness.

In Phase Three of Couples Therapy, it’s time to identify any past hurts or difficult topics that have been swept under the rug for so long because they feel like a landmine in your relationship. Common examples could be finances, housework, family & friends, or physical intimacy. Anything that feels heavy between the two of you and prevents you from feeling truly safe in the relationship.

We will address each issue, creating resolution at last by walking through the minefield, employing true empathy, and understanding. Then we will learn a ritual of forgiveness, and how to offer true apologies that are complete and sincere. You see, a real, honest relationship is not about avoiding conflict. It’s about how to address conflict in a positive, healthy way and learning how to repair and promote healing.

The final phase of Couples Therapy is about creating rituals for connection. A close, loving relationship is not based on weekly date nights. It’s about daily rituals for coming and going, for sharing our deepest thoughts and asking for what we need and want, knowing how to do so without triggering our partner. It’s about the moments of connection throughout the day, even when at our busiest. Just pausing to look your partner in the eye, feeling the love connection. It’s about learning how to turn to each other when conflict arises, rather than turning away in hurt or anger.

If you’re ready to complete these steps with a highly trained Couples Therapy professional, please give us a call. The relationship that you’re longing for can begin today!

Couples Therapy